Thursday, January 21, 2010

Things I Would Stitch on a Giant Sampler

Just turning the ripe old age of 26 years old has made me realize I am as cynical as a 76 year old (fart) and have lost some of my optimism in life. Perhaps its the universe testing my patience with the special individuals I encounter day to day, but I have resolved to find some zen as I continue to age. I am not sure how, but as I figure that out, I thought it appropriate to purge the negative chi. And lordy, I can rant. Plus this is following a glass of wine so I'm not feeling as PC as I normally do.

So, if I had the skills to stitch, this is what I would put on a sampler to give away at big gatherings. Or just put on a billboard, whatever is easier.

1. Thou shall not park monster trucks (or ANY vehicle) diagonally across two parking spaces. Ever. Especially in the rain, and in a parking structure that is not part of a school, but designed for retail or corporate parking.

2. Thou shall not call me looking for answers to stupid questions, such as "what church do I belong to?" or "what is the service that people use to send things across countries and a little man delivers them?" Yes, these people exist. It's scary.

3. Thou shall think twice about procreating. Not everyone should. There are means available to prevent this.

4. Thou shall not interrupt, be nosy, or interject into conversations thou is not a part of. It's called a combo. As the junior high saying goes, this is an A/B conversation. C your way out!

5. Thou shall always go back to the tried and true lessons of kindergarten: share, clean up your own mess (also a pillar in Girl Scouts), wash hands before eating/after sneezing/don't be gross, flush, and eat a cookie after nap time.

Is this really too much to ask? Clear Channel, Martha Stewart-I'll wait for your call.